From Andy Borowitz:
IN RARE PUBLIC APPEARANCE, GOD BLASTS TOM DELAY
'Enough is enough,' Says Almighty
In a rare public appearance that leading theologians called “extraordinary,” God held a press conference in Washington on Sunday to disavow the recent words and deeds of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas).
The normally reclusive Ruler of the Universe took the unusual step of speaking to reporters to blast Rep. DeLay for repeatedly invoking His name in political fundraising appeals.
“I usually don’t like to shoot my mouth off about every little thing that bugs me,” the surprisingly outspoken Supreme Being said. “But enough is enough.”
After complaining about Rep. DeLay’s unauthorized use of His name in fundraising pitches, God warned the Texas congressman to discontinue the practice at once “or else.”
When asked if He intended to strike Rep. DeLay with a lightning bolt, God replied with a terse “no comment,” but later said, “I’ve been known to smite people in the past, and I’m not prepared to take smiting off the table.”
Hours after God’s press briefing concluded, a spokesperson for Rep. DeLay issued a one-sentence statement saying that the congressman and the Almighty remain on good terms and that he hoped to have God’s support in the 2006 midterm elections.
But Dr. Harland Minter of the University of Minnesota’s School of Divinity said that Rep. DeLay would be well advised to heed God’s words of warning: “It means a lot that God took the trouble to hold a press conference, especially on His day off.”
Elsewhere, a new poll shows that a majority of Americans favor disconnecting Pat O’Brien’s telephone.